Blackmail, Etc.

I detest people who make unreasonable demands or threaten to take negative action before allowing you the chance to explain or make amends. Arg.

I suppose that's one of the hazards of being in a customer service call centre. Just fill in the Mad Lib.

"I had a [negative adjective] experience at one of your stores and I was told [unlikely story]. I'm going to tell [anyone customer has ever spoken to] about the [negative adjective] policy that you guys have and I think I deserve [some ridiculous compensation] for my troubles, because I live [number] kilometers away and it takes me [amount of time] to get there, but I take the time to go there because it's my favorite store and you [insulting name] have to make an exception just for me me me because I'm your best customer and if you don't do this I'm never going to shop at your store again."*

*this is a lie, we've checked

Honestly people, just come up with something a little more original. Or be proactive and try to sort things out with the store first. Or read the goddamned rules of the program before you bitch about why you couldn't get something for free. I freely admit it's not the easiest read, but we're not hiding anything from you: we truly want you to understand. Don't tell me you can't find it anywhere. It's right there.

Don't try to rationalize your frankly ridiculous demand. It won't work.

No, we are not going to send you a $200 gift card because we changed one of the rules of our program. We reserve the right to change the terms without notice.

No, we don't "have it all on computer". We aren't going to call a dozen stores for you to see if they have a limited quantity product available on the last day of the sale. Call them yourself.

No, we do not do exchanges or refunds without proof of purchase. Neither do most other retailers, so don't try and pull that "but Wal-Mart does" bullshit on us. (For the record, Wal-Mart's policy does require proof of purchase, too.)

No, we cannot re-send previous issues of our magazine. Change your address at least one month ahead of time. Besides, it's a free magazine so stop complaining that we're grossly inconveniencing you.

And so what if you leave? For every customer we lose we gain a few more. Let's be frank: if you've shopped with us for five years and you've only spent a few hundred dollars, that amounts to what...less than $100 a year? Which means you probably spend more on coffee in a year than you do in our stores. Reward your loyalty? What loyalty? Get real.


Then there are the calls that are actually bad. You were yelled at by the manager in front of other customers and/or staff. You were not told you could get almost $100 of free stuff and instead blew your points on a magazine. You slipped on shampoo on the floor and hit your head. The photolab lost the order of irreplaceable honeymoon pictures, or the pharmacist gave you eyedrops instead of eardrops.

We understand. We care. We want to make sure this doesn't happen again, and we genuinely want you to feel better about our company after this experience is over. We appreciate your patience while we look into the matter for you. Please give us a chance to rectify the situation before you go running off and telling everyone in creation what a horrendous experience you had.

Yes, it was bad, and we admit that. But think about how it makes you look if you run away from everything before giving it a chance to be resolved.

If you went to a restaurant and ordered a burger with no mayo, and when it arrived and had mayo on it, would you just leave the restaurant in a huff? Or worse, would you throw the burger at the poor waitress and scream, "I said, no whipped eggwhite on my beef patty!"? No, you'd say, "Excuse me" (if you were polite, anyway, maybe you'd just say "hey you"), "I ordered it without mayo." At which point she'd likely apologize and bring you a new burger.

Well, it's the same with us. If you notice something's wrong, let us know. If you don't tell us, we'll never know, and then we can't fix it. It may seem absurdly simple, but it's true. Take my word for it.